Adopted FAQ #3

I often get this question as well, and it’s the hardest one to answer: “What is it like being adopted, does it bother you?” or something similar. Of course, not knowing what it’s like not to be adopted, I find it next to impossible to explain. Sometimes I don’t think about it at all, to the point of forgetting, other times it bothers me intensely. I think regardless of where I am on that spectrum, it affects me. Regardless of how good a family you are adopted into, being separated from your biological mother at or soon after birth, or any time in life really, is a traumatic experience. Just because I don’t remember the trauma, doesn’t make it any less real or damaging.

I was blessed with an adoptive family who loved me and still does, who gave me everything I needed that they could provide, and that was/is a lot. But from reading and speaking with other adoptees as an adult, I’ve come to realise there are identifiably ‘adopted’ parts of me. Some are easy to name and describe, others aren’t. It’s all so tied up with who I am, my personality, my upbringing, my experiences, it’s hard to say how I would be if I weren’t adopted. We all have issues and often we can pin them to certain childhood events or family patterns, and being separated from my biological family from birth and raised in a different family were pretty big events in my life!

But what’s it like? I could try to describe for hours and not give you a glimpse it’s so hard to put into words. I imagine it’s a bit like having your beloved family home burnt to the ground and having to build a new one. It’s cool having a shiny new home full of trendy new things, but there’s still the trauma of losing the old one with all the family history and memories. One event doesn’t take away the other, it just is. The new one’s fantastic, but there’s something missing and it’s no-one’s fault. But you love each other and are grateful for what you have, you build new memories and traditions and move on. But it’s such an inadequate metaphor because as an adoptee you’ve lost so much more than a family home, and my adoptive family is so much more precious to me than any ‘thing’. It’s also a bit  like being a thread meant for one tapestry but woven into another. You’re part of a new picture but something about your texture is different to the other threads and one end’s not anchored in. You can’t be put back into the original tapestry because they didn’t leave a gap, and besides, how could you do that without leaving a hole in the new picture?

I have two fathers, two mothers, six sisters and three living brothers (two more in heaven). I want to love and be accepted by all of them. But because of the gulf of time and perspective between some of us, I’m in for more disappointment before this ride is out.